Sunday, March 29, 2009

Update with Memorial Pictures

I know it has been a long time since we have posted on our blog. As you all know it has been very hard for us since Andie's passing. We miss her soooo much. I still can't beleive it and keep hoping I went into a coma during labor and when I come out she will be laying beside me. No one can understand the pain of losing a child unless you have been through it. I know she is with us all the time and she knows how much she is missed and loved. I miss my little angel peanut girl.

We have had sooo much support from friends, family, and people all over the world. You would not beleive all the beanie babies in our house. We probably have around 450right now and I know more are coming. We are going to take them to the hospital this week. We will keep taking them there forever. This is Andie's Legacy. We will call them Andie's Angels. As we all know she is a very special angel.

I cannot begin to thank all of you for the cards, food, comments on the blog, prayers, beanie babies, and just being there. I hope one day I can talk to you all and thank you in person.

Somethings I have learned through this whole process, you never realize how many sick babies there are or how many people are going through what we are when you are not close to the situation. Now we hear from people everyday that are in our shoes. It is sooo sad, but there is nobody better to talk to than someone who can understand what you are feeling. I have to thank all our friends, family, and neighbors from all of the listening ears they have lent for hours on hours and the same thing over and over again. You guys have been awesome. I know we give some a real ear full (you know who you are) Thanks sooo much for being such a great Life Coach for us. We have also learned who our real friends are. I have never seen sooo much support and out reach as we have recieved from our friends. In my eyes, they are now our family not just friends.

Another thing I have learned is grieving does some wierd stuff to you. Somedays you feel like you are just sad, then you are mad, then you have it together for a day then one day it ALL hits at once. I had a few days like this. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I felt lost and wanted to find where I was going. I hated it. I wanted to be ok and strong, but I honestly had no control of my emotions. I was sad, angry, hurt, resentful, blamed myself, on top of the fact that my body was still healing and nourishing milk to nurture our baby girl. No wonder I felt so crazy inside. Then my poor husband got to see me crying uncontrollably, wanting to talk for hours and then I was bringing him with me. Then I felt I was losing him so it made me more crazy and want to hold on to him more. I felt like I lost one precious thing in my life, I don't want to lose another. I finally told myself I had to get it together. I put myself through my own therapy. Jessica came into town with her new baby who was two weeks older than Andie, at first I didn't think I could see him . I did it and even held him. They also made me go to dinner. I'm not so hip to the public thing yet. You see a lot of babies everywhere you go. I'm doing it slowly but surely. Then last Monday was the kids first day back to school, and I went and saw people I had not seen yet. It was good and sad at the same time. I saw and spoke with two ladies in our nieghborhood that had babies a week before and after Andie, and saw their babies too. Its all baby step therapy for me. I know this is hard on everyone, but I think its harder for the mom because of all the above reasons. Plus they say twins are so connected, we carry a baby in our body for 10 lunar months how are we not a little more connected to our babies then the outside world. I actually got on Andie's blog for the first time since we were in the hospital the other night and read some of her daily progress,looked at her pictures(which made me miss her even more), and even listened to the music. Then I decided to look at her picutres from when we said our good-byes. I don't know why I just wanted to see her. I think again its baby step therapy for me. We have a big picture of her on our wall and I kiss and talk to her everyday. The other day there was a moth on Duane's office door, and I got about an inch from it and said is that you? Yes, I'm now talking to bugs. That moth stayed in our house for two days. I have not seen it since. The other day Boston had a lady bug on his hand I told him it was his sister. He just looked at me. Yes, they all think I'm crazy. The boys are doing well just trying to get back on track. Someone asked me the other day if everything is going as planned. I said no nothing is going the way I want it to be right now. I want Andie physically with us. I know she will always be with us spiritually. So we are trying to get back to as normal as it can be.

As far as Duane he is probably got it the most together. I guess he is the rock for our family. I know he is still hurting very badly inside. But he is holding it together. I know if Andie was still with us physically her and her daddy would be very close. When we were at the hospital, she would look at him from her bed with such love in her eyes, and the time she grabbed his nose was perfect. All the times her daddy would start his chopper when I was pregnant, she never jumped once. I always told Duane she was going to be his chopper girl. She would be right by his side whenever he was in the garage. I know she is still by him always. Andie Grace please watch over your daddy today while he rides his chopper. Enjoy your ride baby girl while your by your daddy's side. Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!!!!!!

All in all we are getting through day by day. We will never forget and always miss her. Like a very good friend said to me recently who has been through the same thing. It goes from being a steak knife to a butter knife. It always hurts, the pain just gets a little more dull. I will keep blogging from now on. People have been asking me too. Again, more therapy for me.

Please keep praying for ALL the sick babies. Updates: Baby Ethan is still in the hospital, but doing well. Baby Lewis went home the day of Andie's memorial. It looks like baby Jonah is going home too. Praise God to these an ALL the babies. I know they all have another Angel watching over them.



mommaof4wife2r said...

brooke, bless your heart. i am in awe of the beauty of your words and in the beauty of your love and reality. andie's memorial looks like it was perfect to honor such a fab little angel. so sweet...and obviously so touched by so many...450 beanies!!

still praying for you all and all the sick babies...and working every week to do a little something to make the fams of those sick babies smile. i will be doing another honoring of andie soon...and will let you know!

Courtney said...

I completely understand the talking to bugs thing. Everything we had bought for our first daughter was ladybug themed. She ended up with the nickname HallieBug. While I was out in the yard planting flowers for her garden last spring, about 3 months after she was born sleeping, I was kneeling on the wet ground and a single ladybug landed on my leg, and just sat there. It must have stayed for a good five minutes, and I just cried and cried, telling her I missed her and I love her!

I've been thinking of you and your family and you're sweet baby. Many many prayers still going up for you .. I know your grieving all too well.

Anonymous said...

Brooke, my heart skipped a beat, I gasped, and I cried to see an update from you. Thank you!

I've never lost a child, so I can't say I understand. But I still want you to know that you will always have a family here in California that loved on and prayed on Andie Grace and still thinks of her. My boys often ask how Andie Grace is doing and every night we pray that God gives her all the many prayers we say for her and your family.

Thank you so much for sharing and know that we are all here to listen and read every single post you have.

All of our love and prayers,

Analiza and The Bernat Boys...

The Eadle Family said...

I pray that things get better as time goes on

Stacie Aho said...

I'm so glad you are writing, and letting your heart out. I'm sure that is very helpful in the healing process.
I think of you often, and continue to hope for your happiness. Andie is always with you and loves you so much.


Heidi Ann said...

Oh Brooke, it's such a hard road! I know she'll never be far, I think our angels are closer than we realize. Grief is funny, one minute you think you're fine and the next you've snapped. It's lonely too, we all do it differently and at different stages. I use to get really frustrated with Chris for not talking it out with me. I wrongfully assumed that because I didn't see him cry or hurt that he didn't. Guys are SO different!

Her day was fit for a princess. I love her balloons with messages, we did that very thing, it was one of my favorite parts! She IS darling and perfect! I think of you so often and want to help. We don't know each other but have much in common. Please e-mail any time!

Chelsie said...

It was a very moving read hun! I just was in tears. You know as long as you have things to say you will have people here to talk too and cry with. You can say anything because its your place to talk about Andie.
I love you guys and am doing what I can to get the message out about the beanie babies. I hope to see you soon hun.

Love ya,
Chelsie Burke

E+T=M5 said...

Praying for your family. My heart breaks for all of you. Good to see you the other day Brooke, just keep trusting God! He, and only He can pull you through!
I love the moth and lady bug story...made me smile!