Saturday, June 20, 2009

Happy Father's Day Daddy

I just want to wish my lovely husband a Happy Father's Day! I know this is a hard one, but you deserve the best. Thank you so much for everything you do for us, me and our family. I know just one thing for sure. Andie misses and loves you as much as you love and miss her. I could tell just by the way she would look at you. Remember honey,  she was completely paralyzed by meds and she opened her eyes, focused and looked right at you the day before she received her Angel Wings. That right there shows the bond and love she has for you. She was looking at you for the comfort and security knowing her daddy was there to make her feel better. I truly believe she is and always will be by your side. I made her promise me to always watch you especially while your on your bike or racing your car. Like I said in yesterday's post, she is a HERO just like her daddy. Her daddy was, is and always will be her HERO too. I hope you have a wonderful day.

We Love You,
Andie & Mommy

Friday, June 19, 2009

Andie's Breast Milk

I forgot to post what we ended up doing with all the breast milk we had from the hospital. A few weeks ago I went to see Heidi (Baby Ethan's Mom) at the hospital. Ethan had to have a minor surgery. ( Minor compared to the others he has endured) She was talking about how she was not going to have enough breast milk to get Ethan through the Glenn surgery. They like the babies to have breast milk over formula after heart surgery.(If they can or have it )  She had to quit pumping a while back. I then asked her if she wanted Andie's milk? She asked me if I was serious and OK with that? I told her I would rather it go to her than to throw it away. She jumped all over it. It was such an awesome feeling for me to think that it was going to a good cause. Again Andie's Legacy lives on. 

An update on Ethan
He since has had the Glenn surgery. He has had his ups and downs. He is and will be in the hospital for a while. Please continue to pray for him and his family.

Today is Andie's four month birthday. I cannot believe how fast this has gone by. I keep believing and telling myself it's going to get easier, but it has and has not. I know we miss her more and more everyday. I can't help to think what she would be doing or how big she would be. Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I just watched  a program about another baby born with a disease and he fought the odds, doctors, and meds, and he lived longer than they thought he ever would. I felt like maybe we should have taken ALL measures to see what the outcome would have been. Duane could tell I was upset, somehow he has a way of knowing me pretty well in two years especially when I'm quiet. (God and everyone knows I'm not quiet vert often) He called me in his office and asked what was wrong? I told him nothing.( because I'm trying to be strong). Then he came over, sat next to me in his office chair and said what is wrong? I just stared to cry. I told him I thought we should have tried more. He sat next to me and just hugged and kissed me and said Brooke remember what she looked like . She did not look the same at all. I know he is right, but it still tugs at my heart everyday. The comfort of Duane's strength , hugs, kisses, and understanding just makes me feel sooo much better. We just have to continue to be strong and there for each other. I know Duane hurts too, but he feels he is the rock for our family. I just want to tell you honey, that you can always come to me to vent about anything. I feel bad that you feel you have to carry all of this on your shoulders not just for you, but for our family too. You are doing a wonderful job and I love you very much . Duane said Andie passed away a HERO, well we all know where she got that from . Her Daddy. Her Daddy is my HERO too. I know she loves and misses him as much as he does her. Baby girl I'm sure you are doing wonderful and are getting so big and strong. Please always know how much we love you, care about you and miss you sooo much. Have a wonderful birthday our Little Angel Peanut Girl.

Your Mommy & Daddy

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Andie's Autopsy Report

Everyone wanted me to post as soon as we heard about Andie's autopsy report. The final diagnosis is PPHN (Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of a Newborn). They said they are not sure what caused it. Well I have said ALL along that her lungs had to over compensate for her heart not working for almost three days before they even put the ventilator in her. It's sooo frustrating because the team of Cardiologists at the hospital say she could not have got it that way. Well, I took the boys to see a Cardiologist last week and the new doctor said she sure could have received the PPHN from the lungs  trying to over compensate for the heart. This is soooo frustrating. I asked what could have been done differently. He said with her symptoms of low Apgar scores, blue hands and feet, grunting and flaring, and a heart murmur she should have been tested right away. Then they would have went up through her groin with a balloon and opened up the Aorta. He said her outcome would have been completely different. I don't know if you all remember that Andie was paralyzed by meds for her last few days of life, so we could not tell her personality at all. We (us & the docs ) assumed that with her oxygen in her blood being soooo low for so many days in a row that she probably had some brain damage. Well I asked the infamous question to the pathologist and he told me she had NO brain damage. I just cried. I feel awful about this. It was soooo hard for me to sit , look and talk to her those last few days because I knew what was coming. I would talk to her but not as much as before because it just killed me inside. She did not look the same at all. I bet you cam imagine the guilt I feel!!!!He did say nothing was genetic, or she had no signs of any of the lung diseases that they thought she had.(I thought all along that she did not have any of these) But her lungs were very diseased from the PPHN. That is why she probably could not keep her SATS up. God Bless Her Little Heart and Lungs. She never asked for this. I have learned one thing don't ever second guess your  Mother's Intuition. I knew it all along. I'm sorry baby girl. We love and miss you sooo much. XOXOXOXO

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

June 02, 2009

I know it has been forever.

 Auntie Kelly has been super busy so I think 
I finally figured out how to post on the blog. 
Things have been as good as to be expected. 
My Mother's Day was bitter sweet. I can't
 ruin it for the boys though. Boston's class 
had a Mother's Day tea. It was very sweet
 he made me a beautiful hat and sang very
 sweet songs. Yes, it did bring tears to all 
our eyes and I know a lot of the mom's kept 
watching me. At the end of the tea, one little boy
 in his class pointed to me and said mommy her 
baby died. His mom apologized. I know she felt
 terrible. But the big thing was Boston just looking
 up at me with his big blue eyes. I told him it was OK.
 How do you keep your kids from hurting the way we 
do? I just got in my car and cried!!!! Then Brogan made
 me a pot with herbs in it. Chelsea, Jessica, & Eric called
 me to wish me a Happy Day. Duane's mom gave me a
 beautiful locket with a picture of Andie in it. I love it!!!
 I really had a nice day. I was just missing one person, 
"Our Angel". Duane and I decided we were not going to
 celebrate holidays this year. (Except for the kids). 

I can't remember if I told you all about me finding
 the little feathers in our house. I'm completely
 convinced it is Andie leaving us her "Angel Wings "
to let us know she is here and she is OK.

Duane has been sooo busy lately with work.
 Even though he works at home, I feel 
sometimes I see very little of him. Sometimes, 
I want to pull him away from the computer 
just for a day so he can enjoy himself and I can 
enjoy him too. He is currently traveling to Hawaii
 and then Guam. Then he will be home for a week 
and then go to Utah.I think he is enjoying it though.
 He has a lot of good and big things going on. 
Thanks babe for working so hard to provide for 
our family. We love you.

The boys are out of school and our very happy about it. 
Eric has left for Texas for a month. He is growing up. 
Brogan will go to Tennessee for about a month and 
Seattle for a week in July. Boston doesn't want to go
 anywhere unless I go. 

I currently have experienced another huge loss in my life.
 My dear friend Lynne passed away on Saturday 
May 30,2009. She was like a mother to me. I have known 
Lynne since I was in 8th grade. We have always been super
 close. We would talk for hours everyday. I think Duane is
 really starting to see how much I talked to Lynne in a day, 
because now I try and do it to him. I told her a few weeks 
ago when she got really sick that there was an Angel Baby 
waiting for her. Lynne was in the delivery room with me 
when Andie was born. She was and is one if the best people 
in my life. I hope her and Andie our together and taking 
care of each other now. I miss and love you both very much. 

Baby Ethan had his second surgery today. His mom said he 
is doing well, but fragile. Please pray for him.

I will now continue to post weekly. I hope this finds you all well.