It is so hard to believe that it has been six months ago today that our Baby Angel Girl received her wings. I feel at such a loss of words. Everyone knows how much we miss her and hurt. I know Andie knows how much we love her, miss her and hurt that she is not here with us physically. I have a very moving story to tell though. Some people may think this is all crap, but its not. I have been back to working out like a crazy women. By the way it is a lot harder to tighten up your tummy after three kids and 37 then it was after two kids and 32. Ha!Ha!Ha! Anyway, I try to break up my running days by running/hiking the mountain. When I get to the top there are two rocks side by side. I sit on the big one and I put my water bottle on the little one for Andie's spot. I always talk to her and pray. This one day I looked up in the sky to talk to her, and there were some clouds. I happen to be VERY emotional while I was running and when I got to the top I was sitting there crying in my hands and talking to my Angel Peanut Girl and thanking God for making her better. When I looked up at the sky the clouds were in the same formation as the satue in front of St. Joseph's Hospital. I could see that statue out our window and every time we went outside and back in. Whenever I saw it, I prayed that he would lift Andie up and heal her so she could go home. Well guess what, he did. So back to my clouds, I looked around to see if anyone was around with a camera phone, etc. When you hike at one in the afternoon, there is not a real big crowd. I knew nobody would believe me. I put my face back in my hands and lost it again. When I looked up the formation was back to being a bunch of clouds. So I cried the whole run down. I finally quit by the time I got home. Duane asked me how my run was? I said good and just lost it. He probably thought I was losing it. Wondering why I was crying about exercise. Then I told him. Even if nobody believes it, I know what I saw and I know what I believe. I believe it was Andie and Gods way of letting me know Andie is OK and in REALLY good hands. I even said to God that day I know I want Andie here for selfish reasons, but thank you for making her not hurt, and healthy again. The other hard struggles other than the whole situation is I try to analyze everything that I could or should have done differently or to fight more for procedures, medicines, etc. I know I voiced my opinion every time there was rounds, but maybe I should have said more. I was being educated along with the process to, but I knew my mothers intuition was always right. They did listen to me sometimes, and it worked but other times they didn't. I knew they should have not let her off the vent so long and struggling the way she was. I'm certain that put her lungs back into a tail spin. I begged and pleaded but they are the doctors and make the final decisions. Believe me if I knew how to reintabate her, I would have the first sign of her struggling. I just hope Andie knows I did fight for her. They say a mother will always be a tiger for her child. I was, but then we have to trust the doctors to some degree. Right? HMMMMMMM!!!! We love you baby girl and know we will be with you again someday. Tons of hugs and kisses to you ALWAYS!!!!
Andersen (Andie) Grace Paulus was born on February 19, 2009. She was fine at birth but became ill shortly after being home. After many tests, she was diagnosed with 'coarctation of the aorta'. This is her blog for updates, prayers, and words of encouragement. Thank you for being here.