Friday, April 24, 2009

We Do Not Need A Special Day


We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heart ache
As we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.

Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still.

There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.

If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.

We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
~ Written by Connie Dyer, BP/USA, Springfield, IL

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Andie's 2 Month Birthday Update

Happy Birthday Angel Girl!!!!!!!

Today is Andie's two month birthday. I'm sure she is having a wonderful celebration with all her angel friends. We wish were celebrating with you. We miss you and love you so much.

Yes, it has been two months already. I can hardly believe it. I watched Andie's birth video for the first time this weekend. It is sooo beautiful. I really held my composure. I was just so excited to see her and get to hear her cry again. I told Duane, the whole thing is awful and we will always be sad. The only thing we can do is celebrate her life and savor all the moments we had with her. I know someday we will be with her again.

All is going well on the home front. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't have so much time to think. I went to get Andie's birth certificate and to the hospital this week. I got to see baby Ethan and his mom, Heidi. It was great seeing them. Ethan is doing well and getting ready for his next surgery. I also got ALL of Andie's medical records. All 470 pages. That's only for three weeks, can you imagine some of the other babies charts in there.

I'm planning a charity golf tournament in Andie's honor for June 20, 2009. If anyone is interested please let us know. I will have more info by the end of this week. If anyone is coming from out of town, I'm going to try to block some rooms.

The boys are doing well, they are ready for summer break. They only have one month to go. Can you believe it? Brogan is going to Tennessee again and Eric is going to Texas. Boston is still too young to stay away that long. So he will be bored with us while they are gone.

As for Duane and I , we are doing really well. (as well as expected) I think we are really trying to be strong, and be there for each other. We think about our angel every moment of everyday. We can't help to think about how it would be if Andie was still with us physically. How it it would be just doing daily activities. Such as, I was helping Duane do yard work yesterday. I was wondering if I would even be helping him if Andie was here. Our community had a picnic yesterday, and I ran into a friend who had a baby girl a week after Andie, I wanted to see the baby, and see how big Andie would be now. The other baby started 4lbs. bigger than Andie, but I kind of got the idea. It just breaks my heart every minute of every day. I honestly couldn't even get into being at the picnic at all. It's stuff like that, that is really hard too. We are really trying to keep ourselves busy. We recently painted Duane's office. It looks great!!!! I think he is very happy with it. We are also spending a lot of time together and doing things with some of our friends. I'm sure there are days when Duane wished I had a lot more stuff to do. I'm sure I drive him crazy sometimes. I really enjoy our time together, we just wish our baby angel girl was with us too. We know she is. We get signs from her to let us know she is here. I really believe that. Like I said we will see her again someday. I asked her to save us a seat. We love our baby girl.

Oh Yeah, speaking of the greatest husband ever, you should see the book Duane made for me all about our angel girl. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I wish there was a way I could put it on the blog. It is the best baby book anyone could ever ask for. Thanks sweetheart, you truly are the best. I love you very much.

We need to give a HUGE shout out and thanks to our niece Kassy. She did a jump rope contest at school for the American Heart Association and jumped in Andie's honor. She raised the most money and won. She got to be in their local newspaper in TN. They are also talking about Andie's story. We are very proud of you Kassy. I know your cousin is very grateful for what you did. (We will put the article on the blog as soon as we get it.)

Again, Thanks to everyone for all your love and support.

Duane, Brooke & Family

This was made for Andie's Papa.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tuesday Update

Yesterday was one month since Andie received her Angel wings. It completely sucks. (There is that word I hate again.) Sorry!!!!!! Everything we do we can't help to think how it would be if Our Angel was here with us physically. She is with us spiritually, we know it. We talk to her everyday. We miss her more and more everyday. I guess were getting through as good as to be expected.

All I know is I could not go through this without my wonderful husband. All I ever wanted was a man in my life who would always be there for me. Someone who would wipe my tears away and kiss me to let me know things will be okay. I wanted someone who would say all the right things and protect me from all the bad and confirm all the good. I have that in my husband. Don't get me wrong we have our issues at times, everyone does. He has all the qualities in a man, husband, partner, and best friend that I always wanted and needed in my life.

I think we all forget sometimes to take time and really appreciate the ones we love the most. So sweetheart, its a horrible thing that has happened in our lives. I would never want to go through this with anyone else but you. You are a wonderful person. You are my forever true love. Because of that love, we created a beautiful baby girl. Thank you and I love you!!!!!

I Love You,

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday

I know I haven't blogged all week. It was an OK week. I only had one little breakdown. I just can't believe the kindness of everyone. It just overwhelms me sometimes. This week a very kind mom from the kids school came to our house to bring us a beanie baby, some gift cards for dinner and movies, and a very warm and heart filled letter. I read it after she left and then read it to my sister and we both just cried. It brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Thank you Heather, I hope we can continue to be friends.

I also received a beautiful Angel from Cindy (the school secretary). She has been such great support and a great friend through all of this. Thanks Cindy.

Missy brought us the most adorable beanie baby, and a beautiful and encouraging letter. Thank you Missy for ALL the love and support you give our family. ALL of our neighbors have been really supportive through all of this. We thank you for that.

Every time I get a phone call, beanies, letters, etc. I call my sister. I seem to share it all with her. We laugh, cry, or she just listens.

On that note I need to share something from my heart. I know my sister and I have been through a lot in our years. We have lived together, traveled together, shared our babies deliveries together, shared our families together, and had some major falling outs, etc. But I have never felt closer to my sister as I do now.

She really came to bat for us through all of this. She started Andie's blog so we could keep everyone up to date on what was going on. That was a lot of work plus trying to run my moms business so my mom could be here helping with the boys. Then Kelly flew out here to at first help with the boys, then Andie received her wings so she helped with all the arrangements and planning.

My sister then did the most honorable thing a sister could do. I really wanted Andie to be in certain clothes before she was cremated. I asked Kelly if she would go to the funeral home and do this for me. She never even hesitated and just said yes. So she went with her best friend Leslie and did this for me.

She came home and told me to stand up, I did and she gave me a huge kiss on the cheek I asked if that was Andie and she said yes. Then we both cried. She told me that they prayed, dressed Andie, kissed Andie, talked to Andie and just held her for a while. Remember this is the only time Kelly has seen Andie except for pictures. Kelly told me that she looked absolutely Angelic.

I know Andie was with her auntie the whole time. I think it takes an Angel being with an Angel to do what my sister did for me. I really couldn't wait for Andie to meet her Auntie Kelly. I know they would have been close. Thank you sis for being such a great sister, auntie, and friend. I love you very much.

Your Big Sis

Monday, April 6, 2009

Weekend Update

This was a pretty good weekend. Duane and I took sometime to ourselves and rode the bike to West World for AZ bike week. It was fun, but kind of a cold ride. All I could think about was Andie the WHOLE time. While we were driving there, the sky looked as blue as it did the day we let her balloons go to her in Heaven.

We saw some very interesting people there. We went with Joanne and Rick. It was great hanging out with them. Thanks guys for keeping us busy.

On the way home I put my head in Duane's back and just started crying. All I could think about was going home to our house, and Andie was not there. I wished she was there with her Grandma watching her while we were gone and having to rush home to feed her. I talked to her and cried the whole way to the restaurant. Poor Duane probably thought what is she doing back there. He was awesome though.

When we got to the restaurant he asked if I was ok and gave me a hug. I told him its not fair we did not get to experience everyday life with Our Angel. He said I know and told me he loved me. If thats not support, I don't know what is. Thanks baby. I love you sooo much.


People say we are so strong and seem to be doing well. Like I told my friend Joanne this weekend, its like we are wearing a mask and most people have no clue what we are really going through. Nobody knows except people in our same shoes.

So are we doing well? We are living. We hurt inside ALL the time. Most of the time we mask it, and then sometimes we have a breakdown moment. People say things to us like I know we lost our mom, dad, grandmother, siblings. With all do respect, I Know that's painful but not as painful as losing a child.

We think about her everyday-all day. Everything we do we think about what if she was here. My body is still healing not just emotionally, but physically also. My body is still producing milk to feed our baby we don't have. I'm not trying to get a pity party, but people ask so here it is. I kiss her picture everyday and night. We talk to her and hold on to ALL the moments we shared together.

Last night I was laying in bed and thinking of me rubbing her head with my fingers and nose to get her to sleep, her holding our fingers, or the time I got to hold her when she got her vent out. We hold onto it all. I guess the bottom line is is totally completely sucks. (I hate that word) But it does.

I asked Duane last night, how do we live without her? I guess it goes back to what Gary told us. It goes from being a steak knife to a butter knife. The pain is ALWAYS there just over time it becomes more dull. So most of you see or talk to us everyday. Do you see or feel this pain from us? Probably not because of the mask. We thank you all for being there and lending an ear. It does help.

We love and miss you with every ounce of our hearts and souls Angel Girl.

Mommy & Daddy

We got the most adorable gift Friday from baby Lewis, his mommy and daddy. By the way, he is home and doing well. I know our Little Angel is watching him too. Thank you so much for thinking of us and our Angel Girl. She has soooo many heart friends now. Some with her in Heaven and some here who she is watching over. We ALL know she has a wonderful heart. We love and miss you bunches Baby Girl.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Thursday Update

My Little Angel Peanut Girl would have been six weeks old today.
Oh, how we miss and love you so. You would have been smiling at us by now.I know you are smiling down on us right now, knowing how much we love, miss and care about you.
I went to SAMS Club today and saw the most adorable summer outfit for our Angel Girl. I wanted to buy it, and I almost did. Instead I bought a dozen of the most beautiful pink roses in your honor. Happy six week birthday baby girl.We love you so much.

Mommy & Daddy

P.S. I also posted an update from Wednesday below!

Update from Wednesday

We did it. We went to the hospital today.This is the first time since Andie received her wings. It went better than we thought it would. It was still very hard, especially seeing someone else in her room. But we know Our Precious Angel is watching over all her friends at the hospital now. It was so wonderful to see our hospital family again.

We got to see baby Ethan and he is doing wonderful and may be going home on Friday am. Please continue to pray for him and his well being. I want to thank Heidi (Ethan's Mom) for my beautiful necklace. Here is a picture of it. It means so much to me.

I also want to thank Heidi Skidmore for introducing me to Heidi Anderson who called me tonight. I just hung up the phone with her. Isn't it strange how God has a way of bringing people in your life when you need them the most. I have been in such a funk the last two days of replaying things in my head and ALL the what ifs. So tonight Heidi Anderson called me and talked to me for awhile and it helped me soooooo much. It was great hearing her wonderful stories about their precious Jersey and it was great sharing our stories of our precious little Andie. Thanks again for listening. I can't wait to meet you in person next week.

We did take ALL the beanie babies to the hospital and boy what perfect timing. They were all out of them. You should have seen the looks on all their faces as we walked through the double doors. They couldn't believe it, and were sooo appreciative. Andie girl your legacy is on. We love you baby girl.

We also want to let Danyele and her family know we gave the nurses your pictures you drew for them. They loved them and were going to hang them up. Here are some pics of some of the nurses with them. Thank you again for posting on your blog about Andie's Legacy.You guys are soooo awesome. We love you all.

Duane, Brooke and Family

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

One of those nights...

Boy tonight has been one of those nights. I think about Andie everyday, but tonight was a rough one. I kept replaying things in my head. Thinking of things we or the doctors could have done differently. Just wanting her in our house and in our arms. I know its always going to be this way.

I want to thank my husband for being so understanding and listening. I know its harder for him to talk and listen about it. I think this poem is perfect for dads in our situation. I got this off another blog from a family in our same situation. God Bless our Baby Angels who are playing together right now.

Tomorrow we are going to the hospital to deliver Andie's Legacy of Beanie Babies. We have around 450 right now. We will keep delivering them as long as they will take them. I'm nervous, but I know my Little Angel Peanut Girl will help me be strong. As God and everyone knows she is stronger than any of us to endure what she went through.

We will ALWAYS love and miss you Baby Girl. Thank you for your strength. You get that from your daddy. He gives me strength too. So I dedicate this poem to him for I know he is our rock and does the best he can to cope for ALL of us.
We love you daddy.

Mommy and Andie

A Father's Grief
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. Bill Cosby