Monday, April 6, 2009

Weekend Update

This was a pretty good weekend. Duane and I took sometime to ourselves and rode the bike to West World for AZ bike week. It was fun, but kind of a cold ride. All I could think about was Andie the WHOLE time. While we were driving there, the sky looked as blue as it did the day we let her balloons go to her in Heaven.

We saw some very interesting people there. We went with Joanne and Rick. It was great hanging out with them. Thanks guys for keeping us busy.

On the way home I put my head in Duane's back and just started crying. All I could think about was going home to our house, and Andie was not there. I wished she was there with her Grandma watching her while we were gone and having to rush home to feed her. I talked to her and cried the whole way to the restaurant. Poor Duane probably thought what is she doing back there. He was awesome though.

When we got to the restaurant he asked if I was ok and gave me a hug. I told him its not fair we did not get to experience everyday life with Our Angel. He said I know and told me he loved me. If thats not support, I don't know what is. Thanks baby. I love you sooo much.


People say we are so strong and seem to be doing well. Like I told my friend Joanne this weekend, its like we are wearing a mask and most people have no clue what we are really going through. Nobody knows except people in our same shoes.

So are we doing well? We are living. We hurt inside ALL the time. Most of the time we mask it, and then sometimes we have a breakdown moment. People say things to us like I know we lost our mom, dad, grandmother, siblings. With all do respect, I Know that's painful but not as painful as losing a child.

We think about her everyday-all day. Everything we do we think about what if she was here. My body is still healing not just emotionally, but physically also. My body is still producing milk to feed our baby we don't have. I'm not trying to get a pity party, but people ask so here it is. I kiss her picture everyday and night. We talk to her and hold on to ALL the moments we shared together.

Last night I was laying in bed and thinking of me rubbing her head with my fingers and nose to get her to sleep, her holding our fingers, or the time I got to hold her when she got her vent out. We hold onto it all. I guess the bottom line is is totally completely sucks. (I hate that word) But it does.

I asked Duane last night, how do we live without her? I guess it goes back to what Gary told us. It goes from being a steak knife to a butter knife. The pain is ALWAYS there just over time it becomes more dull. So most of you see or talk to us everyday. Do you see or feel this pain from us? Probably not because of the mask. We thank you all for being there and lending an ear. It does help.

We love and miss you with every ounce of our hearts and souls Angel Girl.

Mommy & Daddy

We got the most adorable gift Friday from baby Lewis, his mommy and daddy. By the way, he is home and doing well. I know our Little Angel is watching him too. Thank you so much for thinking of us and our Angel Girl. She has soooo many heart friends now. Some with her in Heaven and some here who she is watching over. We ALL know she has a wonderful heart. We love and miss you bunches Baby Girl.


Anonymous said...

It's hard for me to say that I understand what you are you going through, because I've never lost a child. But the thought of losing any of children emotionally and physically makes me want to break down.

I don't know what to say except that I pray for you constantly. And although I have no doubt that Andie Grace is watching over you all, I also know that she had a purpose in her very short life. I don't know you personally, but I offer my heartm, my ears, and my shoulder to lean on.

I'll be praying for you all.


Stacie Aho said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through and feel all of this. My heart aches for you, truly. I can't imagine how much you want to hold your baby girl. You will, one day, hold her again.

I can tell you are hurting inside. Whenever I see you- I have to do all I can to keep myself together, because I can see sadness in your eyes. I'm sure happiness will reappear... although it might be slow- it will.

You are in my thoughts often.


Alyson said...

Awwwww...It's ok to cry ....... Usually, at the end of my tears is a revelation......Just like at the end of a rain storm there's a beautiful rainbow.....

You are such an amazing woman and amazing family!! Your story and little Andie has touched the lives of all who read your blog!

Thank you so much for sharing your story.



dg darling said...

Still praying for you daily...I am so sorry that you have to go through this. May Heavenly Father bless you on your path through grief.