Miss you so much My Little Angel Peanut Girl!!!!

] Our Daughter, Andie Grace The very first time we heard Andie's heart beat at only 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor was sooo shocked they found it that early. It filled our hearts with so much love. But, when the doctors told us she had a calcification on her heart 11 weeks later, but not to worry. I knew from then on that something was wrong. Everyone told me I was crazy because they assured us she would be just fine. I hate to admit this, but as I told some of you I had the hardest time attaching myself to my pregnancy because I was afraid something was going to happen to her. I wouldn't buy anything. I remember one day laying in bed holding by precious baby and belly and telling her I was so sorry for feeling that way. I told her I loved her so much and couldn't wait to meet and see her. It wasn't a matter of love or want , it was ALL FEAR. So I then started buying and tried to get past my fear, but it was always in the back of my head.Andie was born on February 19, 2009 @ 7:02 pm. We had a long labor because her heart rate kept dropping. Again, the doctors and nurses assured us it was normal. Then at one point I burst into tears and my doctor asked what was wrong and I told him I knew there was something wrong with her heart. He said no she is fine. After Andie was born, she had a little bluish tint, but then pinked up. They said her blood sugar was low, she had a little heart murmur, and her APGAR scores were 6 &7 (RED FLAG) but didn't know it. Other than that she was doing ok. Little did we all know that Andie Grace was fighting for her life. We took her home on Friday pm. She cried a few times through out the night, but I fed her and she went back to sleep. I could tell the way she was crying, something was wrong.I even told her daddy this. By Saturday all she wanted to do was sleep. She would not eat or anything. She looked a little Jaundice. Finally after 9 hours of this, I called the pediatricians office and they said get her to the ER ASAP. I was freaking out about taking my brand new baby to the ER because of all the germs. They told me to go in and tell them I have a 2 day old non responsive baby and they would come out and look at her. So I did , the nurse said she looks a little grey bring her in. So her daddy went to park and we went inside the ER. Right in the lobby they made me take her foot out of her pj's and put the pulse ox on her toe. The nurse said OMG she is only at 56% oxygen. They grabbed a wheel chair told me to sit down with her and raced us to a room. It was a bad dream. They took her from me when we got to the room. They must of had 15 doctors and nurses around her. I was just bawling. I had no idea what was going on. Then they did the ultimate thing you only see on TV, they sent a Chaplain in to talk to me. I said NO. She is not going to die. This is when the nightmare began. They kept yelling intubation. I was yelling tell me if your going to intubate. I knew that was serious. While all of this was going on, Duane was parking the car and then came in and asked where we were at. They said the room number. While the nurse was walking him there, over the loud speaker it said room ? CODE BLUE. Duane said what does that mean? Heart stopped the nurse said.Dunae said that is my daughters room. So they walked a little faster of course. Then he walks in the room to me bawling andthe Chaplain by me. He looked an me and I just said "what is going "? He just hugged me and didn't know what to say. We both felt like it was all a bad dream. I will never forget one of the NICU nurses who kept giving me eye contact. Finally the NICU doctor yelled ANYONE WHO DOES NOT NEED TO BE HERE LEAVE NOW! I think all the interns, etc were so excited to see a new baby to work on they all came. After that, the great nurse grabbed my hand and said touch your baby we have her stable. I kept saying I wanted her up to the NICU. The ER doctor then told me I had to give him permission to release her to the NICU. I signed the papers, and away we went. It was just like a scene from the show ER. The rushed her and us through some back doors to the main elevators, made everyone in the elevator get out and was waiting for us."Hold the elevator for mom and dad" I couldn't walk very fast, because I was full of stitches. I yelled go just go . We will be right behind you, so they did. The neonatologist walked with us and then explained what would go on from here. They were going to run some tests to see if she was septic, sick with pneumonia, Group B, RSV,etc, and a heart defect. When we got there, so was the Chaplain. One of the sweet nurses asked us if we wanted him to leave an we were like YES PLEASE ANSD NOW! By this point they told us they thought we would be in the NICU for at least two weeks. So the planning started in my head for the boys, because I was not leaving her alone. By around 10 pm that night they told us she had one of two heart defects and they hoped for the better one. But now we had a new problem too. Her lugs had Pulmonary Hypertension. They were not infected, they were big and not functioning right because of the heart defect. They then told us we would go to ST Joes to the pediatric cardiac unit. At first by helicopter and then they felt they had her stable enough for an ambulance ride. As scared as I was to go with her in the helicopter, it had to have been better than that rough ride. So Sunday by noon we were on our way to St Joes. Dad and Grandma Paulus followed the ambulance. I couldn't believe when we walked through those double doors on that 7th floor ALL the babies with heart defects. They made us step aside why they got her all hooked up and then we all moved in. Believe it or not, it was a nice room. Day two at St Joes hospital,( but Andie was for days old )they finally had to do the inevitable. They had to put her on a breathing tube. I was there by myself that early am and crying my eyes out standing by her door. They brought me a chair, I will never forget that.I felt like I was going to pass out. They were trying to get her lungs down and healthy before they fixed her heart problem. By 3pm on her fourth day, they told us they were going to surgery or she could die and they were going NOW !We had to sign release forms. I talked and cried to her, told her to please fight, told her to please get better so she could wear all her cute new head bands, and we would lay in bed eat and watch TV forever. I did try to remember every wrinkle in her foot and hand just in case and most of all I told her how much I love her. But I NEVER said good bye. I just had something come over me that said she was going to pull through this surgery. Even after the jerk anesthesiologist told us on the way to the operating room, you know she may not make it through this. Well no **it!! Thanks! We let anyone that was there to visit, see her just in case. We got to walk her all the way to the surgery room. I talked to her until the minute they wheeled her in the room. Finally I don't remember how long it was , but shorter than they said. The nurse came in the waiting room and told us she was doing great and did not have to put her on ECMO.( Lung and heart bypass) and would be back in her room soon.Which all in all they should have put her on ECMO so her body could rest and possibly heal fully. They would not let us in her room until they got her all settled. When we finally saw her, she looked sooo different. She was so swollen because of all the fluid she was retaining from the surgery. I thought she had down syndrome. The nurses laughed at me even though I was serious. You can see from the pics what I mean. She was on 14 to 16 IV meds at once.She fought hard for a while and a lot of the docs had no hope. Then finally she started responding. We had finally turned that coner they said and what news that was to hear. AMEN! Andie continued to fight for her life, overcoming the impossible. On Monday March 9th, they got her ready for her to be extabated. She did okay for a while. Finally they pulled it out that pm.I got to hold her the next am for the first time in two weeks.But don't think for a moment I didnt cherish every finger hold,looks she gave me, books I read to her and just looking and talking to her everday while she was in her isolate. But by the next pm, she wasn'tdoing well. They had to reintabate her and bag her a lot to keep oxygen in her lungs. It went from bad dings from machines all night letting us know she had a problem ,to us knowing she was doing good and the ding were meds running low or her brest milk out, back to us knowingshe was doing bad again. They tried for that whole week by putting her back on meds she passed to go off before.They tried by using meds in her brething tube which they had never did before.When they did this Grandma Paulus and I were the only ones there. We went to the waiting room, because I was soo scared. The pulmonologist came in and said her numbers are up,but it could be a shortlived celebration. We walked back in her room. Remember, they had her fully sedated and when we walked in she opened and closed her eyes for a quick moment at fisrt I thougt she was saying Im trying to fight mommy. But now I think that was Good bye mommy , I love you. The only thing I wish they would have done, is put her on ECMO, which is lung and heart bypass and it would have given her lungs and heart a full rest to heal. Lets just say we fianlly had to have a meeting with the doctors on Thurdsday the 12, 2009. Thats when they said they had calls into other hospitals, and mentioned the meds in in her bretahing tube. By Thursday midday, they put the meds in her tube and she was sedated. Grandma Paulus and I were the only ones there and we went to the waiing room, because I was scared. They came in and siad her number swebt up, but it could be short lived. They were right. She again was being poked everywhere with new IVs wondering if one was clogged and they had to keep bagging her to keep oxygen in her lungs, By Friday am, I looked at Duane and cried and said she can NOT suffer and go through anymore he agreed. During Andie's final week…which was when they thought she was doing well enough to take her off the ventilator. It didn't go as planned…Andie's little heart and lungs…had enough. We then had another meeting with the docs who said there was nothing else they could do. So we called our family in the conference room and told them we were going to make her comfortable and it was time to recieve her wings. The wings of honor.I had one rule, I wanted her room packed and cleared out before we said our goodbyes. We made phone calls and had all family and friends come say goodbye. Then Duane and I asked everyone to leave cause it was our time. We talked to her , told her we were sorry and how much we love and would miss her. I don't know how I did it. I aksed to change a diaper before she died.They let me. I had my private time with her. Then Duane held her as they gave her something to make her comfy. I sat next to her and rubbed her hed and we just talked to her until she passed. Then I asked to change her diaper agian and get her dressed. We stayed another 2 hours just talking and holding her, but we knew her soul was gone. We fell in love the first time we heard that precious heart beat… and ours heart broke into pieces when we sat there by her side and watched her heart beat…one last time.On March 13th, 2009, Andie went to Heaven and received her wings. Her wings of honor. We love and miss you so much baby girl XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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