Praying for Andie Grace: November 2009

As you all probably know Thanksgiving was hard. I tried to avoid the thoughts, but by the end of the evening I was on Andie's blog reading old posts from when she was in the hospital, and broke down. I also put out all the Christmas decorations and couldn't help to think that last year at this time I was thinking Andie would be about nine months old and totally getting into the tree. Ugh!!!!! I hate all of this. We wish you were here baby girl. We all miss and love you tons!

The hospital had a memorial for all children that have passed away this year. It was very sad of course. I went up to say Andie's name in front of the church and light a candle for her and I started to cry and asked Andie to help me be strong. I kept asking for her to give me a sign she was with us. They did a slide show. It started with music and then the first most adorable picture ever (of course) was our Angel Girl.(Picture Above ) So Im sure your thinking it was in alphabetical order, it was not .(I thought it too) They were going from A to J and then back to E and so on. So in my eyes, this was my sign. Thanks for all the support from Daddy, Grandma, Chelsea and Joanne for being there. There is another memorial at the hospital only for heart babies on December 10 which I will be reading a poem. Please help me baby girl. Then there is one more through the funeral home this Sunday December 6. This is therapy for me. I want to do everything I can in Andie's honor.

I will post again about Andie's walk after I meet with Make A Wish this week. Hope eveyone had a good holiday.

Love to All,

Brooke

Before I start my post tonight, I want you to sit back and really think about what I am saying here. You may be dealing with this in your life in one way or another and this could seriously help you make things better. It most definitely did for Aimee and I, and it really didn't take a lot of work to fix what had been broken.

Aimee and I know some people who are dealing with marital issues right now and this post is for them. Although, this information is also great for those who aren't having issues or don't think they are having issues as we all need to strive to be better people. You may find this helpful to share this to someone you personally know who may need to hear it.

A little while back, I posted briefly about Aimee and I were having some troubles in our marriage but that everything is back on track. I spoke about how my choices started to follow my feelings, which was completely backwards, causing me to swerve off track in my life. Just as Brent Riggs mentioned to me before, you can't lead with your caboose (aka feelings) or your engine (aka decisions) will run off the track in the wrong direction.

Whether or not Aimee or myself were at fault for the things we did to get us from point A to point B, I realized that the negative feelings were controlling my decisions. I didn't want to deal with the pain, the anger, the sadness and mostly, the fear of these negative feelings going on forever and ever. I wanted out! I wanted the easy route! I wanted to go where the grass was greener! I wanted to start over!

I wanted all these things because I was SELFISH! I made a promise to my wife when I asked her to marry me. I made a promise to my family when I married her and I made all these promises right in front of God. Oh, but a promise can be broken. Oh, but I will ask God to forgive me for this divorce and I promise not to do it again so that will be okay. Oh, but no one understands what I have to live with and life would be so much better if we weren't together. Oh, the kids will be okay and they will still get to see me. Oh, but I never loved her in the first place. Excuses! Excuses! Excuses!

I made all the excuses and I look back on them now and I was trying to convince myself only to make me feel better for the wrong thing I knew I was doing. Aimee may not be perfect and I may not be perfect, but I know that I was attracted to her enough to ask her for her number. I knew that I once laughed for hours without a single argument. I knew that I once tried to go out of my way to impress her so she would think I am not like all the other men. I knew that I once told her I loved her and I felt the love in my heart when I said it to her without being forced. I knew that I once couldn't wait to spend every waking hour with her, cuddle with her, and give her long, wet kisses that beat all the motion picture awards for "Best Kiss."

Most importantly, I knew that I wanted to spend forever with her when I got on my knee and asked her to marry me. I knew that I wanted to share forever with her when I agreed to have a child that I would have to help raise as a team. So, for making negative excuses against all of this love I knew I once felt was completely letting my feelings run my decisions.

When I wake up in the morning, I brush my teeth, wash my face and put on some deodorant. I do this because it is a routine for me, but mainly because I don't want to completely scare away my clients with goops of eye boogers, rotten breath that stinks just as bad or worse as the onion patch growing under my arms. Not everyone, including myself, really enjoys doing any of these routines, but we do it anyway. My point is that we are choosing to do something regardless of how we feel about it and not to mention that we probably have a lot more people who like us because we do it.

The whole point that I am getting at, which turned my life right-side-up, is that I chose to do something that wasn't led by my feelings and wasn't really what I "felt" I wanted to do at that time. I know God put us together for a reason and He wouldn't let two souls get married if they weren't supposed to be married. Besides our salvation, marriage is one of the most important things. I made many decisions in my life that I felt were right and maybe some of them were wrong, but we NEVER make the wrong decision to marry someone because we love them.

To give love, you must feel love. If you resist being selfish, forgive easily, know this world is not perfect, and go out of your way to do the right things for your husband/wife, that lost feeling of love will find its way home very quickly. God gave us this greatest gift for a reason and it was not to be selfish and love ourselves only to make ourselves feel happy, but to love others unconditionally so that they can see and feel how amazing this gift truly is.

I had moved out and I had started over. I felt the world was a better place for making the decision that I did and my life felt like it was going in the right direction, but the devil is so deceiving. I am not ashamed to speak my faults to the world, but I was dead wrong.

Aimee and I are happier now than ever before. We understand each other more for having gone through this. We both show each other love and respect, and now we go out of our ways to mold our lives to fulfill each others needs.

Summing it all up in to 3 parts:

1. Remember that you once made a decision to be married because you loved one another or you were at least attracted to each other at some point to engage in a relationship.

2. Lead with your choices and your feelings will follow, but of course you have to make choices that are with a pure heart and without sin.

3. Know that you are not perfect and neither is your spouse, but forgiveness is key and you must give love and respect in order to receive love and respect. You can never give love and respect to your wife/husband/children with a selfish heart that focuses on your own feelings.

Aimee and I will be praying endlessly for those who are struggling to fix their marriages. Just know that we are not experts in anyway, shape or form, but that we love you all and we pray that we were able to help you with our situation in one way or another.

God made men a special way in a "blue" color and woman a special way in a "pink" color that when you join them together it makes purple. Purple is the color of royalty and a husband and wife are joined together in God's beautiful image. There was no mistake when He blessed us with marriage, so leading with God as our engine, the caboose will always be on track. Let your feelings follow your choices!

Brent, thank you for giving me the best advice and allowing me to use it to help others. You are a blessing to me and my family.

God Bless,